The Best Director

With the war in Iraq ending a month ago and no more protest marches, the 12th annual film awards, voted on by fans and themed around comedy and joy, seemed even busier than this year’s Oscars. The celebrities in attendance truly sparkled, including Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, Jennifer Garner, Robert Downey Jr., and a host of other nominees.

Will Smith, Oscar winner Adrien Brody, Samuel L. Jackson, Hugh Jackman, Matt Damon, Demi Moore, Cameron Diaz… rapper Ludacris, director George Lucas, Harrison Ford… as well as IT girls like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were also present. The husband-and-wife duo David and Victoria Beckham were set to present the award for “Best Breakthrough Performance from Across the Ocean.”

Victoria, her long hair cascading in curls, was dressed in a low-cut, tight-fitting white dress adorned with sparkling diamonds, clutching the heartthrob David Beckham as they walked the red carpet. Beckham wore a white suit with a white T-shirt, orange leather shoes, and his blond hair tied back, his face wearing a gracious and charming smile. However, most fans recognized Victoria but were not quite sure of the man’s reputation, as in America this “football desert,” “Bend It Like Beckham” was more famous than Beckham himself.

The sides of the red carpet were noisy and suddenly erupted into screams: “Yang!!! Jessica—” Wang Yang who had just arrived waved and greeted them with a smile, immediately feeling a burst of dazzling flashes. He was dressed in ordinary jeans, an unbuttoned gray suit jacket and T-shirt; Jessica was in a short-sleeved floral dress and sandals.

As a leading figure with immense popularity among the younger audience, following “Juno’s” tenth installment, this year “Magic Yang Movies” was once again nominated for a cornucopia of awards, with “District 9” harboring Best Actor (Robert Downey Jr.), Best Virtual Performance (Christopher Foersten), and Best Action Scene (District 9 Mech Battle) nominations.

The globally acclaimed highest-grossing R-rated comedy “The Hangover” led the nomination list with 6 out of 13 awards, including Best Movie, Best Breakthrough Male Actor (Zach Galifianakis), Best Villain (Michelle Rodriguez), three Best Comedy Performances (Zach, Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms), and they also were nominated for Best On-screen Team, as well as Best Fight (Michelle Rodriguez and the trio). “Sweetheart” also received one, Best Actress (Jessica Alba).

“The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” and “Spider-Man” both had 5 nominations each, tied for second place. Apart from Best Breakthrough Female Actor, Best Breakthrough Performance from Across the Ocean, and Best Kiss, Firefly Films competed across the board, and “The Hangover” comedy troop was also present.

“Hmph!” Paris Hilton, dressed in a blue strapless crop-top, deliberately walked up to Wang Yang, walking in this direction on his own, and sneered disdainfully, brushing past him with her chin up and a proud expression. Wang Yang looked back in confusion at the swinging blonde figure, not having noticed who it was. Was that sneer directed at him? Wang Yang hummed, continuing to walk toward Will Smith.

Because of their busy schedules, aside from calls of congratulations, it had been a long time since Wang and Will Smith had met. So, taking this chance, they happily chatted away. The summer box office season had already started, and Will Smith was leading Michael Bay’s “Bad Boys II” set to release on July 18. He was currently filming the sci-fi movie “I, Robot,” which wouldn’t wrap up until at least October.

Although not lacking in acting offers, Will Smith laughed again about the possibility of collaboration, having not been nominated for the MTV awards in a long time, and hinting at the allure of working with an Oscar-winning director. However, after giving it some serious thought, Wang Yang realized that a second collaboration was not on the horizon. There were no suitable roles for Will in “Firefly,” unless as a supporting character. But someone of Will’s stature wouldn’t take on a supporting role, even if the salary was that of a lead.

The friendly cameo in “The Hangover” had repaid the favor. To say “I invite you to play a supporting role”—messages certain to be refused and that could hurt their warm relationship—seemed pointless. So Wang Yang just smiled and said, “Let’s team up again when the opportunity arises.”

After chatting with the Smiths for a while, Wang Yang did a television interview and was talking with Zach, Bradley, and a few others when Jessica, who had just finished signing for fans, came over. Then amidst greetings and being greeted, they were introduced by the Beckhams. Victoria was very enthusiastic, talking at length with Wang Yang about how much she enjoyed his movies, and praising Jessica’s fashion sense, looking forward to “The Devil Wears Prada.”

Wang Yang kept smiling and thanking them; he had a favorable impression of the couple, but wasn’t well-versed in the football world. He didn’t follow European football news, and since the sports pages of his newspapers didn’t cover it, he paid little attention. Looking at David, who was smiling by his side seemingly with nothing to say, Wang Yang pondered for a moment before laughing approvingly, “David, I absolutely love your free kicks! They always manage to create miracles!”

Jessica nodded her head, vaguely recalling seeing news about the previous year’s World Cup in Korea and Japan. She wasn’t certain but laughed, “I remember last year’s World Cup, the group match between England and Argentina, it was David who scored a penalty to win the game.” As she spoke, she glanced at Wang Yang with an inquisitive look as if to ask, “Penalties count as free kicks too, right?” Wang Yang gave her a “should be” expression, and she seemed to know even more than him.

“Thank you, that was one of the proudest moments of my life.” Hearing this praise, Beckham felt a bloom of joy, and his smile carried a touch of pride. Of course, this wasn’t the first time he had been praised for that goal, but each time it brought back the same thrill—the thrill of leading his team against Argentina, avenging the red card from the ’98 World Cup in France, and erasing past regrets. It was one of the most memorable moments of his life.

Victoria, however, seemed a bit surprised. In Hollywood, Wang Yang and Jessica were well-known basketball fans, but they understood soccer too? She laughed and said, “He always brags about that goal.” Beckham maintained his charming smile.

“No, no, no, I know David has scored many classic goals, like that extremely long famous shot to fame…” Wang Yang, feeling somewhat competitive after being overshadowed by Jessica, struggled to come up with more but ended up earnestly praising, “He’s truly Manchester United’s superhero!” Jessica pursed her lips and nodded, “Definitely, without a doubt!”

Manchester United’s superhero… That phrase made Beckham’s smile falter slightly, his gaze flickered with complexity, but it quickly passed. Listening to their genuine praise, Victoria finally realized this couple didn’t truly understand football; otherwise, they wouldn’t have said such things. Unbothered, she laughed and said, “David is preparing to transfer to the Real Madrid club in Spain, but actually, I wish he would come to America.”

“Oh!” Both of them felt a bit embarrassed, a superhero about to transfer… But transferring to play soccer in America? The pair exchanged glances, seeming as outlandish as Michael Jordan going to the United Kingdom to play basketball…

Afterwards, Victoria shifted the topic to fashion, and the conversation with Wang Yang and Jessica continued with Beckham at her side like a bodyguard. After a while, the four of them concluded their conversation. Wang Yang and Jessica continued to meander on the red carpet, being approached by others and seeking out old friends. As the evening darkened, celebrities began to enter the venue, followed by the movie fans who filled the Schonlantheater, with the awards ceremony about to commence.

The Schonlantheater auditorium was decorated in a festive and lively manner, much like the set of a children’s show. Everyone there was in a relaxed, happy mood enjoying the playful banter among all the stars, the hosts, and the live audience. Hosting the event tonight were Shawn William Scott, the “Stifler” from the American Pie series, and Justin Timberlake.

The ceremony opened with the customary comedic short of the year, in which Bradley Cooper and the two hosts dressed as replicating robots from The Matrix Reloaded, entering a spoof of various movies set in a future time, causing the hall to erupt in laughter; this was followed by poking fun at Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, which was set to be released on June 27, and the humorous banter of the three lead actresses Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu, and Drew Barrymore also brought waves of chuckles from the audience.

Wang Yang and Jessica sat in the front row of a section, next to Robert Downey Jr., Michelle, Zack, and others from The Hangover; thousands of movie fans in casual attire filled the second-floor seats to capacity. As they watched the two presenters on stage constantly joke around to keep up the atmosphere, laughter filled the air, and the stage lights flashed and changed.

“The award for Best Breakthrough Actor Across the Ocean goes to…” Victoria, dressed in a white gown, opened the golden envelope, and Beckham announced, “Colin Farrell, Phone Booth.” The announcement immediately sparked screams and applause from the fans, and a delighted Colin Farrell went up to accept his award. Awards had already been given out for Best Female Breakthrough (Jennifer Garner, Daredevil), Best Fight (Yoda and Christopher Lee, Star Wars: Episode II), and others.

In a mix of laughter and applause, more golden popcorn trophies were awarded for Best Action Sequence (the Battle of Helm’s Deep, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers), Best Kiss (Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst, Spider-Man), Best Virtual Performance (Gollum, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers), Best Villain (Daveigh Chase, The Ring), Best Male Breakthrough (Eminem, 8 Mile); there was also a performance by Alicia Moore of the theme song from Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.

Soon it was time for the award for Best Comedic Performance, and The Hangover had three of the five nominations, making it the hot favorite of the night.

“Please welcome the amazing—Yang!” Justin Timberlake, in a red suit jacket, announced loudly. As the orange lights on the stage’s time tunnel corridor flashed rapidly, Wang Yang walked out with an envelope and a smile, and immediately, the fans’ screams echoed through the venue alongside thunderous applause from the many guests. Cameras panned the audience, capturing Jessica clapping with a radiant smile, Downey cupping his hands like a megaphone and cheering, the Smith father and son laughing and talking…

Wang Yang reached the awards podium, and as the applause eventually waned, he was about to speak into the microphone when suddenly a lone, raucous laugh rang out from somewhere in the audience. Wang Yang momentarily paused, looking out over the countless audience members with a puzzled expression and said, “Hi.” Schonlantheater was filled with soft chuckles, and the guests and fans showed intrigued expressions.

Many media and magazines had praised Wang Yang as “the funniest Best Director in history” and “the Best Director with the most sense of humor,” not only due to Juno and The Hangover but also because of his witty, humorous presence on interview shows, talk shows, and stages. He fearlessly played and spoke, devoid of the seriousness and dullness characteristic of the old timers; he often stole the spotlight from the hosts. So much so that Variety magazine commented, “If he ever stops directing, he could make a living off talk shows—actually, he could do that now, too.”

The soft laughter from the audience was because Wang Yang’s humor had become expected; whenever he stood on stage, everyone’s urge to laugh seemed to rise uncontrollably. Perhaps this was also why the organizers invited him to present this award, hoping for a stand-up routine from him, irrespective of time. If his performance was consistent with the past, it would be another highlight for the ceremony’s June 5 broadcast.

“When I…” Wang Yang had just begun to open his mouth when someone in the audience burst into laughter, interrupting his serious demeanor, “Hahaha!”

Irritated, Wang Yang brushed his hair back with his right hand, then leaned heavily on the podium, his shoulders heaving dramatically as he caught his breath. Amidst the soft chuckles of the audience, the camera swept over the guests—the newly crowned Best Actor Adrien Brody couldn’t contain his joy, the elderly Harrison Ford smiled, and nominees like Zack, Bradley, and Adam Sandler also looked towards the stage with laughter.

“When I received the call from the organizers that day…” As the audience’s laughter died down, Wang Yang was about to start the stand-up routine he had prepared in the past two days when suddenly another disruptive “Hehe!” a female giggle rang out from below. He frowned, looking rather perplexed, and said, “What’s going on! Is my butt on the front now?”

“Hahaha—!” The audience in the Xuelan Theater burst into laughter, releasing their pent-up energy in a surge of decibels that shot towards the night’s record. Onstage, Wang Yang, looking puzzled, leaned on the podium, tiptoeing and peeking forward while continuing to express his confusion, “Even if it were, you couldn’t see it!” The laughter continued unabated, those who were smiling now laughed with their mouths wide open.

“Even if you could see it, it wouldn’t be funny.” Without waiting for the laughter to subside, Wang Yang shrugged and, glancing at Zack and the others, said, “When the entire world laughs at the sight of a butt, comedians would go out of business, and that’s really not funny.” Another round of soft chuckles followed, and several nominees timely made funny faces, while Wang Yang added, “Or they wouldn’t go out of business—lucky! Just that no one would recognize who they are anymore.”

The light laughter continued at a steady decibel level, but suddenly, uncontrollable laughter broke out across the venue as Wang Yang, without pause, shouted loudly, “Who is Zack Galifianakis?! Fat butt! Who is Bradley Cooper?! Cool butt! Who is Ed Helms?! Fat-free butt!”

“Ahahaha!” The entire audience laughed uncontrollably, shattering the night’s record by a large margin; thirty-year-old Sean William Scott and twenty-two-year-old Justin Timberlake tried their best to joke around, but they were no match for a butt that could bring such joy. Recalling the hilarity of “The Hangover,” many fans were already in tears from laughter, gasping and chuckling, “Fat-free butt (FAT-FREE-ASS)…”

“Who is Wang Yang?!” Onstage, Wang Yang once again yelled into the microphone, glaring at the audience below, shouting, “The butt that shoots butts!”

The audience, who thought they had reached their limit of laughter, instantly went wild with “Wahaha” bursts of laughter, both guests and fans alike. Some were rocking back and forth with laughter, while others covered their mouths and bellies convulsed… This was a play on words; “Shot” means to film, but also to fire or impact, as in impacting a butt…

“Oh my god…” Jessica laughed, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably, and when the camera inconveniently panned to her, she shyly lowered her head and covered her face with her hand. As the laughter had just started to lessen, it resonated through the venue once more, and she thought to herself with a laugh, “He changed the script on the spot, that guy! SO-MEAN!”

To the side, little Robert Downey Jr., Michelle Rodriguez, and the butt trio all laughed and clapped their hands; Kirsten Dunst and Kate Hudson also couldn’t help but laugh loudly, while the Beckhams had an amused smile on their faces. But Paris Hilton, sitting a few rows behind, glared angrily towards the stage— that rascal Wang Yang was too much!

“But if you really saw such a person, it means you’re not on planet Earth.” Watching the audience whose laughter had not yet faded, Wang Yang chuckled to himself, calming the mood, contemplating what to say next. He continued smoothly, “Maybe you’re in a sci-fi world—pick your favorite. Personally, I recommend ‘District 9’, then you’d still be in Los Angeles, ready to go to sleep; or maybe you’re just drunk.”

The laughter at the Xuelan Theater grew fainter, and the nerves of the guests and audience gradually settled down, their faces reflecting eager anticipation, ready to burst into laughter again. They didn’t think Wang Yang would stop there, but would it be about butts again?

“You know, when I was a little kid, I really did see someone with a butt at the front.” Wang Yang said seriously, eliciting sporadic chuckles from the audience. He glanced at Jessica, who was beaming not far away, nodded, and continued, “Yes. It was a very sunny day, and my mom took me and Winnie Auntie from next door to see a movie. It was called… The Big Hollywood Movie.”

On the large screen behind the stage, Wang Yang raised his eyebrows in puzzlement, saying, “And then on the silver screen, I saw the female lead, and I thought, ‘WHAT?’…” The guests and audience who guessed what he was about to say broke into preemptive laughter. Wang Yang continued, querying, “Mom! Why is her butt at the front?” He made a gesture towards his chest, saying, “Here? That’s really odd!”

“`

“Hahaha!” The Sullivan Theater erupted in laughter once again; though the decibels were not as deafening as at the peak, they were still thunderous. The female celebrities being joked about laughed heartily without taking offense, first because they were not named directly, and second because there really was nothing to be annoyed about.

“So my mom was really embarrassed, and all she could do was keep up a forced smile to smooth things over, hahaha, hahaha…” Wang Yang imitated a forced laugh, looked at the audience chuckling lightly, shrugged his shoulders, and mimicked his mother’s laugh as he sighed, “Ahh! Kids, they really don’t know anything…Winnie, he’s just a kid, just a kid. Suddenly my mom pointed at my head…” He took a deep breath into the microphone.

Jessica’s eyes were filled with curiosity. The script he had prepared earlier was completely different; since she hadn’t heard this impromptu version before, what on earth was he going to say? The entire theater’s audience also knew the punchline was coming and subconsciously opened their mouths wide, ready to laugh.

“Son!” Wang Yang bellowed with a husky voice, pointing to the side of the awards stage and loudly asked, “Does your aunt Winnie’s butt also grow on the front? Can’t you see it!?” Even the prepared audience still burst into an “ah ha ha” of roaring laughter. Wang Yang pointed at his own head, cursing fiercely, “Can’t you see it? ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS!…”

The laughter persisted throughout the hall, Wang Yang let out a helpless sigh, and with a ‘wa’ sound, wiping his forehead he said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I was scared, I was really scared! So there I was, dumbstruck, saying ‘Oh, I see it now, I see it—Aunt Winnie’s butt really does grow on the front.’ My mom was quite satisfied with that, but Aunt Winnie seemed a bit unhappy.”

“The biggest takeaway from this incident is, I finally understood that men and women are different.” Amidst the unending, intermittent laughter below, Wang Yang tried to suppress his chuckle and seriously put on a show, extending a pointer finger from each hand towards the microphone and declared, “Actually, all human beings have two ASSes, men’s are here and here.” He pointed to his head and then behind, amidst a sudden crescendo of laughter, he indeed moved his finger downwards pointing at his chest, saying, “And for women, here and here.”

“Haha!” Sullivan Theater was once again filled with an expected yet still amusing round of laughter, followed by a rapid, resounding wave of thunderous applause. Many celebrity guests and movie fanatics even stood up to clap, blowing whistles and cheering loudly! Seeing this rare display of “respect,” even Justin Timberlake and Shawn William Scott must have been angered, leaving them wondering how they were supposed to host after this.

This was no ordinary crass joke; it mocked the label of human characteristics, pointing out how men think of nothing but butts all day, suggesting they become stupid idiots for butts; while busty, beautiful women are often considered brainless, lacking substance—the epitome of the term “Bimbo.”

Listening to the praise, laughter, and applause around her, Jessica also stood up and clapped vigorously, looking at Wang Yang onstage, who also had his mouth open with laughter, she wore a proud smile. An idiot who talked about butts in so many ways fills his head with idiotic butt things!

“And I also understand why a restroom needs to be divided into two sides,” Wang Yang said in front of the stage, leading the non-stop laughter to ha-ha in a concluding way. The Sullivan Theater gradually calmed down, but the smiling faces of the audience continued. Seeing that the time was about right, Wang Yang, not coming up with a new butt-related theory on the fly, chuckled and said, “I can’t say any more, otherwise I’ll receive complaints from women’s organizations, but you all know how much I love women!”

Everyone immediately responded with laughter, applause, and whistle cheer. Of course, no one took the complaint seriously; it was just meant as a humorous joke. The cameras once again panned to Jessica, who, smiling, gave a V-sign with both fingers, as if boasting “I’m so proud!” or perhaps agreeing by saying “Two ASSes.”

As the auditorium slowly quieted down, Wang Yang pointed his palm toward the audience below and earnestly said, “That’s a common comedic style we often see, and what’s great about comedians is that they are all…” Oops, I’ve said that word enough tonight.” The audience, thinking the laughter had ended, instantly chuckled lightly again. Wang Yang pursed his lips, jokingly said, “Their whole being is filled with a sense of comedy, and they dare and love to show it off, which is why we have our schadenfreude laughter.”

Amid the light laughter from the audience, he finally picked up the golden envelope with the result inside, opened it, and began to read, “The winner of the MTV Movie Award for Best Director is…”

“Hahaha!” The audience, with their facial muscles aching from laughter, couldn’t help but giggle again. Wang Yang smirked, looking at the audience in front of the stage, and said helplessly, “I protest once again that Popcorn doesn’t have a director’s award; that’s what we look forward to showing up for! Doesn’t anyone get how to vote for directors? Okay!” He looked at the envelope and read with a loud laugh, “The winner for Best Comedic Performance is, everyone’s favorite—Fat Butt! Zach Galifianakis!”

“Woohoo!” The Sullivan Theater was suddenly filled with applause, cheers, and light laughter. The bearded Zach stood up in surprise, embraced Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms, who were congratulating him beside him, and then hurried towards the stage.

“`