She's My Sleeping Pill

Now was a different thing. She didn’t force herself to wake up nor she wanted to know who the man was. Her body just did what it wanted to do and when she opened her eyes; she regretted doing so.

[What the hell is he doing here?!] She wanted to shout but she couldn’t find her voice to say these words. Her throat hurts so much when she tried to talk. [Oh, please! God, no. Please don’t do this to me.] Her tears started falling on the side of her face and when Thomas raised his head to look at her, he was shocked.

It took so long to register in his brain that she was really awake. He thought she was just dreaming of her. “Monet.” He whispered her name but the woman kept crying without saying anything. Realizing that she might be in pain somewhere in her body, she called for the doctor immediately.

“Can you hear me?” Monet nodded. “Can you see me?” She nodded her head once again. “Do you remember who you are?” This time, she didn’t say a single word. She didn’t want to say no or say yes to the question. She just wanted to keep quiet for the rest of her life. “Are you in pain?” She nodded her head but when she was asked where exactly she felt it, she couldn’t tell them that it was her heart that was hurting. She was afraid.

“Monet.” Her mother whispered softly when she saw her daughter through the glass window but since she has just woken up, they wanted to conduct another test with her to ensure they weren’t overlooking anything. They even discussed the possibility that she might have amnesia.

Two hours later, Thomas was sitting on the bench outside the VIP room where Monet stayed and he couldn’t stop thinking of the expression she made when she woke up. He was certain that it was fear. He saw fear in her eyes while she was crying. The doctor said that her brain was fine but the accident may have caused her psychological problem which leads to her amnesia. The doctor thought it was the case.

[What exactly did I do that caused you to show me that expression?] He really wanted to talk to her, to find answers to his questions but the doctor told him not to agitate the patient. She might be out of a critical situation but she was still in a delicate condition because of her pregnancy. Her emotions could still risk the child in her stomach.

Inside her room, Mrs. Lhuillier was peeling an orange for her child. She wasn’t allowed to eat solid food yet but the pulps of this fruit were fine for her to take. Seeing her daughter looking outside the wall with a distant gaze, she felt really guilty for all the things she suffered alone.

.....

“Monet,” her mother called softly which she ignored straightforwardly. “Monet, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that things would end this way. Your dad and I thought of testing you a little, to see if things would change over the years. We thought – ”

“I don’t recall anything. I’m tired.” It was a lie. She didn’t have amnesia. “Please leave me alone.”

As soon as her mother left, she couldn’t stop her tears from falling. Instead of being condemned for raping someone, Monet was ready to give up her life. That was what she thought when she protected him. She thought it would absolve her of the sin she committed if she saved him in exchange for her life. He didn’t need to confirm that the baby’s father was him.

Yet, God contradicted her. He made her live again to face the harsh judgment that should have happened a few months ago. She didn’t have the courage to face him anymore.

Monet curled her body on the bed and sobbed silently. She only wanted to live a happy life with her own family. Then, fate planned to make her happy with her career while being single. However, she pushed her luck and did something which wasn’t destined for her. Now, she has to suffer from it knowing that she would never be happy again.

Thomas was watching her from the door and seeing her shaking shoulders; he felt like a strong hand was tightly gripping his heart. It was so painful to watch her sob in silence.

Even though Monet didn’t like talking to him or showed no recognition of him, Thomas didn’t stop visiting her. He would watch her from the door to make sure that she was eating or sleeping. He was worried that she would be crying again. He wasn’t certain if she remembers him already or if she ever recalled what happened before the accident but that didn’t stop him from coming back again and again.

She already suffered so much because of his negligence. He wouldn’t allow her to suffer again for the same reason.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

Monet raised her head from the book she was reading and looked at the door. She was very familiar with this knocking pattern that she didn’t have to ask who was outside to know the person. She didn’t tell him to come inside but Thomas opened the door anyway and invited himself inside.

“Do you mind if I chat with you?” Monet shifted her gaze to the floor and kept her mouth shut. She didn’t want to add something more to her guilty conscience than she already has. “You don’t really have to respond to me. I just hope that you would recall something related to me if I get the chance to talk to you.”

“Tired,” Monet whispered and threw the book at the foot of the bed before lying down to get some sleep. Obviously, she didn’t want to chat with him.

“Uhm. How about I tell you a story? It can help you sleep.”

“Whatever.”

Thomas smiled faintly. At least, she didn’t shoo him away this time. She had her back facing him to hide her expression and stop him from seeing the tears that escaped her eyes once again. “There was a man who had a girl best friend. They were so close to each other that he took her presence for granted. Since they have always been together, he never realized that he likes more than a friend should and he never tried to evaluate his true feelings because he never had anyone to compare them with. The man asked another person what this feeling was, trying to describe it as accurately as he could to make the other friend understand him; then he said it was love. All along, the man was in love with his best friend but he realized it too late. When he was still unaware of his feelings, his best friend has liked him for so many years. Now, that he knew what his feelings meant, the woman already gave up on him. He regretted it so much. He only realized that he needed her in his life, that she was the woman he loved to be the mother of his children, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. Monet, I don’t want to be like that man. I don’t want to wallow in regret for the rest of my life.”

“I don’t have anything to do with you.”

“Then, who’s the father of your child?”

“I told you before. He’s someone great and – ”

“So, you remember.”

Monet angrily sat up in bed and glared at him sharply. If her glares contained daggers, she would have sliced Thomas into bits and pieces already. She hates that he was able to trap her with her own words. “I remember a few things but not related – ”

“To me, right? Am I the only one you have forgotten, then? Is this the case of selective amnesia? It’s strange. The doctor said that your brain is fine.”

Realizing that she has no way of escaping this time, Monet took a deep breath as she wiped her tears away. Her anger was still evident on her face but she bravely faced Thomas in front of her. She knew that sooner or later; this topic will be brought up, especially if Thomas would conduct a paternity test between him and the baby.

“Do you want custody of the child?”

Thomas blinked his eyes several times at this question. He always thought that Monet was smart, an excellent woman in the field that she chose, but he could never understand why her thought process was like this. “Why are you jumping to that conclusion? Why won’t you consider giving us a chance? Is it really impossible for us to start over and have a family of our own?”

“It’s impossible. You may be thinking you like me now. It’s probably due to guilt or whatever, but that couldn’t be love.”

“Why are you analyzing my feelings for me?! It’s my emotion. I should – ”

“Because I know you would only feel disgusted toward a rapist! Happy?! You think I’m all innocent and kind and pretty and generous and probably some saint in your eyes, but I am not! This child? This came to fruition because I raped you! Just leave me alone already! I don’t need you to look at me with disgust because I am already feeling it myself! Just go away! Why do you even want to make me say it?”